1. That we hate to hold Your purses for You…Or walk
around with Your handbags for You…It kills our
masculinity. And emasculates our sense of power and
macho. Kindly hold Your OWN purses. And carry Your
OWN handbags. Its that simple,sweethearts.
2. That we hate to be slapped in public. In the middle of
crowds that are actually watching us. No matter what we
did or how we did it,No matter what we said or how we
said it,kindly DO NOT slap us in public. Its so
embarrassing and confusing. After that slap,we don’t
know what to do…We don’t know whether to slap You
back,or run away,or cry or die. Public slaps are absolutely
offending.
3. That our balls hurt. Kindly QUIT kicking them. Please.
You need something to kick?? Our neighbor has a cat. Go
kick it. Please.
4. That our phones are our HOLY shrines. Our phones are
our greatest sources of happiness and tranquility. And
that some of us treasure our phones more than life…
sometimes.We wish they would let us be with our phones.
Wherever we want to. Whenever we need to. Don’t
separate us from our mobile phones. Our lives are in
THOSE phones.
5. That,no matter how much we love You,Our boys will
always be a part of Us. ALWAYS! We Looooove Our boys.
Love them to death. Our boys are our life. And we would
be dead without our boys. If only You,oh girlfriends,
understood how much our boys mean to us. And
accepted them as they are. silly as they are. For the sake
of us.
6. That we will NEVER really grow up. Never!! No matter
how old we truly are,no matter how much beard we
have,no matter how big our bodies are or how gruff our
voices are,time after time,we will end up acting like little
boys. And being childish is something we do…sometimes.
Forgive Us. And love the child in us.
7. That,even though we love You to death,We will,time
after time,find other women attractive. Very attractive.
Probably more attractive than You. But we are NOT ready
to break up with You for them. No. We still love You. Too
much. But still,there will always be more attractive
women out there. And we may end up admiring them…
because we are Men. Let us admire. Please. It’s harmless
8. That we are NOT all bedroom bullies all the time.
Sometimes we can be a bedroom mbúri. Sometimes we
can be a bedroom ngui. Haha. Or bedroom nyau. Oh,I
mean, sometimes we can pound that thing for 2 hours
straight. And,well,sometimes we can’t even last for a
short 10 minutes. It happens. We are using flesh and
blood. Not Saudi Oil. Please bear with us. And hope for a
better round two.
9. A Mouth Gig is NOT a City Council cleanup operation.
Where You get to use all the force and might and
raw,rough power in the World. A Mouth Gig is a soft
affair. Slow,smooth affair. Which should be handled with
grace and expertise. We really hate it when You descend
down there and turn our poor D’s into a messy cat fight
in the Serengeti. Biting and scratching and chewing
things. No,Baby Girl. Its hurts.
10. That we hate it when You come over and,because You
ended up spending the night,end up hogging 89% of the
bed. Leaving us struggling to sleep on the remaining 11%
little space. We hate it when You grab all the covers…And
spread Yourself across the bed like a tadpole in a
laboratory. Its our bed! For Christssake! Let’s share it
50/50. Please. We all love to sleep.
11. And talking of spreading, We Loooooove it when You
spread it real good. Thus making easier for us to access
the cookie. But we hate it when You do NOTHING beyond
lying there like a shot French cartoonist. For Love’s
sake,do something! Move,say a word, twitch, twist,coil,do
something! Don’t just lie there! Like a cornered terrorist.
Be active. Tafathali.
12. We have a very short attention span. Very very short.
Kindly shorten Your stories. Make them at least 6 minutes
long maximum. Or 4. Any story You give us becomes
boring by the 7th minute. In fact,by the 7th minute,we
are NOT listening anymore. Just shut up already. Please.
We can pick up from where You left tomorrow.
13. That we are NOT mind-readers. We do NOT posses
the supernatural ability to read minds,bend time,access
hidden thoughts and perform spiritual discernment. If
something is bothering You,tell Us. If we did something
wrong,tell Us. If we’ve made a mistake,tell us. Just
SPEAK UP! Please! Going silent for 72 hours straight will
not solve a thing! We are not telepathic,paranormal
creatures! Just talk!
14. That when a Man says HE “LOVES YOU”,He does. “I
Love You” are the 3 hardest words that a man can ever
say. Ever! And if a man ever says those 3 words to
You,believe him. He is serious. Do not doubt it. Never
doubt it. Those words are very very powerful. Coming
from a man. Better believe him
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